Confession of a 24 Year Old Ego Feeder

All smiles as I put down the phone. He is still the best thing I ever had. 

Not until tomorrow that I will hear stories that they are back together. As Spongebob absorbs all the angst of Squidward in rock bottom, I on the other hand receive all the bitterness of a "well-nourished relationship" they're having. It is ironic that he says he is happy but in fact he is in tremendous pain. He never felt so much in love but doubted. Well at least now he knows the feeling of the giver in the other end of the relationship. And as for me, still the same, the ego feeder who embraces him in times of desperation and depression. 

Being a recipient of broken promises gives me an awesomely amazing feeling. NOT! It is as vague as my dreams from last night. I would force myself to go back to sleep trying to recall what happened but I just can't because the faces, scenes and even the feelings started to fade. It is also like munching on false assurance everyday. Nakakasawa if you eat the same thing with the same taste, aroma, and presentation, diba? Lastly, I feel as hopeful as a midget wishing to reach 6 feet. I am 100% sure that it is beyond the bounds of possibility.

But why will I settle for misery if I can walk out of that prison and run to the wilderness? I won't drown myself under the ocean of a superficial love affair. I'd rather make story telling worth adventures as I journey the world outside my comfort zone. What will keep me going is the thought that there is someone who awaits me on the other side of the jungle - that person who is man enough to keep me. He who knows that distance is just one of the bazillion challenges to reach a magnificent fairy tale ending.

As I turn 25 in a few hours, I give myself the gift of rational thinking, self-love and FREEDOM from the life of a 24 year old ego-feeder. 

P.S. This entry proves that "quarter-life crisis" is legit. 

P.P.S. I know you'll be reading this. I hope for once we could just let this go.  Pabirthday mo na. And as promised, you won't hear anything from me ever again. :) Deal?

Page 19 of 366

The life we chose, we're never together 

And never together but always there forever 

Do you feel amazed by how a particular song tell the story of your emotions? I do.

Happy Birthday to the Awesomest Mother in the Universe!

Same as all the other first times, it's her first birthday without me. (So special naman the first daughter!) I'm sorry to keep you waiting Ma. I know you were online the whole day for me to be able to greet her. I'm just busy baking Mum. 

I'm so proud of my mum for being a full-time mother. Since my sister Keiko was born, she set aside her career. FYI, She's a good dancer. Not just good but SOLID good (not solid gold). For sure it was a hard decision for her to quit doing what she loves doing but she did not even think twice for our sake. (Did you Ma?) My Mum is next to God in providing us the highest form of love. That kind of love that's not asking anything in return. Mommy is so devoted in giving us the maximum affection she could give. Ma together with Dad (baka magtampo) are the two reasons why I am who I am today. They were able to provide us with the best of everything. I blame them, most specially her, because of spoiling me! I'm a brat and I know it. I understand that she just loves me too much that she doesn't want me to feel bad about anything. Of course, we have our ups and downs like any other mother-daughter relationship, but we always make sure that despite of everything we are in the same team. She knows (almost) everything about me without the need of me telling her. It seems like magic that she is already informed with what's happening and what I feel about it. She knows me inside out. That is one thing I admire of her. She makes things easy for me without the need of explaining it. Maybe because we were living under the same roof for almost 25 years now and she is a stay home mom. Being with us 24/7 made us close as ever. And I want to be like her when I grow up because she made me realize how noble her job is. Just to pay forward, I want my future children to feel the same way.

So to my dearest Ma, I want to acknowledge all your sufferings. Thank you. In return, I promise you that I will love you unconditionally too for the rest of my life! 

Missing you so much, 

Kay

P.S. Luto mo ko Lasagna pag-uwi ko ha?

It must have been just another cold day.

But I feel good. Better as ever. :)

Please tell me, what there is to complain about?

Four Easy Steps in Conflict Solving

1. DEFINE THE PROBLEM.

Just like all the other steps in solving problems (eg. math equations, scientific investigations, Nursing Care Plans), the first thing you should do is to know what is wrong or what are you looking for. Make a statement/ algebraic expression like ab + c = ac - b. Or in real life, state the given (who, when, what, where, why, and how and all the subjective and objective cues if possible). Once the problem is known you can now take a deep breath and proceed to step no.2

2. DECIDE WHETHER THE PROBLEM IS WORTH SOLVING.

This is like the "hypothesis" where you make your plans. The right time to weigh the pros and cons, then assume the outcome. This step only applies to real life tests. (Sorry to inform you kids, all your school assignments and exams should be solved cause they all have answers unlike adult situations.) The deep breathing exercises you had from the 1st step needs to be repeated now. (inhale...exhale...) In this phase, the essentials are: focus, rational thinking, and decisiveness. Make sure your mind is clear while you're in step 2. This is (for me) the most important step of all. Now, when you're all set, ponder on this following questions:

• Am I trying to defend myself to an ENEMY (or hater or that person who I don't even know but gives negative attention to me)? If YES, then that person is not qualified to hear anything from you. That hater will always loathe, won't believe, and will always think that you are wrong. So why bother? Proceed to the last step.
• Is this situation worth my time? effort? and comprehension? If NO, then you're all done. Proceed to the last step too.
• Am I trying to defend myself to a friend/ family member/ loved one or just simply someone precious that is worth keeping? If YES, then proceed to the next step.

3. SOLVE.

There is nothing fancy to tell in this chapter. Just to warn you, this is the most time consuming part of the course and requires loads of energy. This is the time you will explain your side, share your thoughts, accept the other person's views, and compromise. It sounds so easy but it is complicated. If you did not go through the CRUCIAL STEP no. 2 then this will be just a waste of time. If everything is all set and accomplished, to the best step you go.

4. GOOD JOB! GIVE YOURSELF A PAT ON THE BACK.

Congratulations for you are one accomplished person! This only means that either you were able to settle the misunderstanding or you courageously abandoned the fight. I will congratulate you more for doing the latter because only a tough and clever being can do such thing. Sometimes winning is knowing when to step back and retreat rather than immerse yourself to a ludicrous battle. 

This is the first life's lesson I learned this year that I would like to share with you. I was able to impress and inspire people for doing such act. And the best part is -- my heart is at peace. :)

"It's not a battle of good against evil. It's a war between forces that are fighting for the balance of power, and, when that type of battle begins, it lasts longer than others - because Allah is on both sides." --- Paulo Coelho's THE ALCHEMIST

Hoping for a drama-free leap year! (Pages 1 to 7 of 366)

Page 1 of 366.

Happy New Year!

Sorry for not being able to make everyone happy. Indeed, you can't please everybody. 

*Thank you for the presence of my second family here in Australia. They always make it a point that I feel homey. Thank you too for the company of my younger generation new found friends. They make me feel like I'm a teenager again.

I miss the noise and smog of the Philippines though during this time. I miss my family most.

Page 2 of 366.

The day after New Year's is when it will all sink in. The unending realizations from the past year including the weight gain. Plus the eye bags you have today because of staying up until 6am. Even the amount of alcohol you had last night will count as a regret. But without all those "regrets" I am not who I am today. January 2 also seems to be the deadline to finalize those resolutions for 2012. I am armed because of You (So, *Thank You!). I am ready! Keep it coming  Lord! :)

Page 3 of 366. 

*Thank you for the freebies. A good friend is cheaper than therapy!  Kit, Joma, and Ate Thet.

Page 4 of 366.

Surprise surprise! I don't know how to take the news. I did not expect this. Or did I? *I am so grateful knowing that You will never leave my side.

I don't have to explain anything to anyone. I'll just smile and walk away like a boss. Cause I want to and I can! :)

In between page 4 and 5 of 366.

Page 5 of 366.

And in the end you're still my friend. At least we did intend for us to work. 

We didn't break. We didn't burn. We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in. 

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am.

*Thank you for being able to express myself through this song. It's a me time now.

Page 6 of 366.

*Thank you for allowing me to be nice rather than to be naughty. I am pushed but I won't submit to this temptation. I am challenged. But it feels so good to win.

Page 7 of 366.

*Thank you for today it officially ended. Life is beautiful. So, why hate? Seriously. :)
*Thank you too for giving me more patience and understanding today. Just when I needed it most.
Our attitudes define life.
If people start criticizing or hurting you, don't be bothered.
In any game, spectators make noise not players. So play on.  (from Katrina Tadeo. Thank you!)
Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.

It is just the first week of this year. I haven't been this challenged ever.

There is always something to be thankful for. I am grateful everyday.

P.S. Today is a gift that is why it's called present.  

Realistic Recommendations to Conquer 2012

Don't judge me. I am not too  lazy to write an entry. I actually have several drafts already but as I saw this article shared by a friend from facebook. I thought that I NEED to share it. It is very timely for the brand new year - 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.  It is long for sure but number 1 made me read it further. I'm sure you will too! Just like the statement from a popular ad, "Once you pop, you can't stop!"

Credits to the authors of Marc and Angel Hack Life Practical Tips for Productive Living. Their website is just so awesome!

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.